TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
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*at dinner table*
Me: ‘Remember that time I lied to you about liking your potato salad?’
Her:
Me: ‘Anyway, I’m sorry.’
[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
181.
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
me: No
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
me:Yes
Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?
You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
[day 8 of quarantine]
me: *hiding under the bed* too much family time
monster under the bed: lmao, why do u think im here
me:
monster under my mom’s bed: sweetie where’d you go? we’re gonna play monopoly again
monster under the bed: please don’t tell her im here
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
My neck my back my allergy attack
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
Nothing to do, you say?
I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.
My favorite type of men is ramen.
I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.
Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.
i have good and bad news
Wife: Ok, the bad news?
i didn’t clean out the garage
Wife:*sigh* the good news?
[holds up cat dressed as Thor]