That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
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oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
Breakfast for Stoners:
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
tennis balls are the only sports equipment we trust to the public. if you see a guy walking down the street with a football helmet or a 7 iron that’s suspicious as hell
you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker
My mother’s scale of concern:
1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.
2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile
ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus
DAD: what virus
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.