That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
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“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.
ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts
My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.
8-year-old: Who’s coming over?
Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.
8: But we already know we live like this.
Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
[Dinner Party]
ME: I’d like to raise a glass…
{years later…}
ME: Son, you’re adopted
GLASS: WHAT?!!
Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.
I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
COP: where were u between 1 and 2
ME: in a diaper
COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night
ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk
[bank heist get away]
Chad the Thief: I can’t believe…
Gary the driver: Look, it’s the only vehicle I could get.
Chad: But an ice cream van…
Gary:
Chad: Can you at least turn the music off?
A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.
Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.
Lesson: Do not ask me for advice
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”