Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”
Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”
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The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.
idk what he going thru but i feel him
[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group
Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “
A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
How is it still this week?
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.
Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.
me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.
Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?
5-year-old: A baby.
Woman: What kind of baby?
5-year-old: A human one.
Nailed it.
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.
ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.
BOND: I’m a spy.
ME: You are bad at all parts of this.
Hey kids, please don’t wash the 13 glasses you’ve already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you’re thirsty.
Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you
I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.
I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”