He-man has a Masters degree
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Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
Wife:
I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.
I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.
*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
Friend: You can improve your visual acuity with carrots
Me: *shoving a carrot into each eye* You better be right about this, Gary
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
AMAZON, 1998: hello we sell books but online
AMAZON, 2023: please return to your Primehouse for your nightly Primemeal, valued Primecitizen
Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
Tell her “I love your eyes. They sparkle like emeralds. I’d love to see them every day”
Perhaps whisper the “in a jar beside my bed” part though
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn
INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired
Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
*wear sunscreen*
*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*
*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns