Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
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M: Wanna try tantrum sex?
W: You mean “tantric”?
M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me:
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
that lip filler tho
[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us
him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration
ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
This kid is a star!
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legsAngel: whoa, intense
God: And and and give em knives for tongues!
Angel: That seems excessive
God: *sigh* Fine, forks
[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.
Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.
ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.
HER: I hate you.
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads
My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer
It’s truly insane how I’ll still stay stuff to my five year old like “hang on mate, you’ve been saying you’re hungry all afternoon, and now you won’t eat your dinner” as if he’s going to turn around and go “that’s such a good point yeah. You’ve bested me with logic this time”
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
Do not steal food from the science building!