That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner
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[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
The answer is funnier than the question
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
[Me as a zoo tour guide]
Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois
8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-
Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon
8: They’re pand-
Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.
8: Zeb-
Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR
*burst into doctor’s office*
ME: I’m no longer canstopetid
DOCTOR: You mean constipated
ME: No I’ve had a vowel movement
DOCTOR: Get out
[watching scary part of movie]
10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool
ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
Mom: my friend wants to set you up with her son, he runs a hedge fund
Me, who heard hedgehog fund: that sounds adorable
the greatest twitter interaction
This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
For some people, the turkey’s the most important part of the holidays. For others? It’s the pumpkin pie. But me? I’ve always cared more about the people that I spend the holidays with- which is why I’ve gathered you all here today to help me summon grandpa from the great beyond.
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
I just heard a lady in the grocery store parking lot tell her dog in the truck she loves him & he’s beautiful & she’s going to miss him, but she’ll brb & kissed head.
& I just feel like we need more of her in this world.
I also wanna be her dog when I grow up.
doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair