That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
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director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
NASA engineer: the shuttle is completely automated so sit back and relax
[5 minutes later]
me *wedged into a drive-thru* ok dont be mad
If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid
Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*
Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic
God: *closes a door*
Kids: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
[Restaurant]
“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”
Yes please
“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”
Just got a haircut.
Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and
Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?
Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
A minute, 45 seconds.
How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
[first BDSM session]
Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?
Me: fwerd
Dom: No! SAFEWORD
Me: *flinching* FWERD
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
[china shop]
Bull: *walks in*
Shopkeeper: oh no
Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager
Shopkeeper: OH NO
I asked my daughter to make me a Pinterest board of what she’d like to redecorate her room and I just opened it up to see nothing but a bunch of pictures of people holding fistfuls of cash
Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.
Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away