@badbanana: That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there's another reason I don't run.
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@notalogin: Wife: You're shirtless? *nods* W: And covered in...oil? -Well, you know how you always say I never glisten? W: Listen. You never listen. -Oh
@SaltyCorpse: I'm gonna start writing all my tweets in cursive so my kids can't read them when I'm dead.
@jake_lach: The best thing about weed is it teaches you that it's okay to take 35 minutes to make a sandwich