That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.
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I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
Farmer: Netflix and till
Moonshiner: Netflix and still
Estate planner: Netflix and will
Dentist: Netflix and drill
Attorney: Netflix and bill
Mountaineer: Netflix and hill
Doctor: Netflix and ill
Pharmacist: Netflix and pill
Jack: Netflix and Jill
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.
People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.
Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing
Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi
(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.
Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.
[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding
My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom