Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
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Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.
Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production
Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit
me: today I made asphalt, mixed paint and got zoning approval
date: that seems like a lot
me: parking garage actually
date: what
me: what
“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’
3yo: dad I’m swimming!
Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!
3yo: I keep drinking the water!
Me: I know don’t drink the water!
3yo: I just drank more of the water!
Me: please stop drinking the water!
3yo: my belly hurts!
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.