I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
You Might Also Like
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.
How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:
1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.
I know this now.
So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
Sometimes I feel doomed in dating, but then a random internet man with a profile pic of Deadpool writes “that’s cause u havent been with me yet ;)” and I am filled with joy and hope
Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
5 ways I am superior to a horse:
1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM
INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
3yo: I hate vegetables!
Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?
3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!
Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’
Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*
The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.