That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
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@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?
[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir
You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
HBO
HBO GO
HBO NOW
HBO MAX
HBO RAGNAROK
HBO TOKYO DRIFT
MAX
RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes
EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?
BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.
I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…
Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.
[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow
*winks*
*shrugs*
*wiggles eyebrow*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian**wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*
An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
Me: Do you remember when I told you-
Husband: No.