That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
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i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”
15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….
Me: …addicted
15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…
Me: …addicted
15: what smacked you in the face last night?
Me: …go to your room
son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today
gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow