@JimmerThatisAll: That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
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@pizza_dragon: "I'm so pissed I could punch a ba-" "A what?" Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand. "A bagel. I HATE carbs."
@LoveNLunchmeat: that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
@TheMichaelRock: HR: You can't urinate outside. Me: Then how will we keep the jellyfish away? HR: Can you take a drug test? Me: Nope, I'm all out of urine
@daemonic3: [spelling bee] Your word is 'impossible' "Oh, well I guess no point in trying" *walks off stage*