@JimmerThatisAll: That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
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@JimGaffigan: A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
@brittwastaken: "Why don't you love me anymore?" I sob as I gather my belongings. "Is it because of the kleptomania?" I cry as I put your cat in my purse.
@tweetofclay: That's so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?