@JimmerThatisAll: That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
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@ojedge: Wife: "Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia's gold bikini?" Me: [nervously tightening my robe] "Who would do that?"
@OtherDanOBrien: ME: I've expressed this political opinion so clearly, there's no way anyone could misinterpret it. THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted
@drinksmcgee: I laugh at an ex who now dates an ugly man-pig… Until I realize that maybe she has a type.