@juliussharpe: That last phone call with my wife was so boring, I feel like I owe the NSA an apology.
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@GuyConfused: The best revenge is to kidnap your enemy, tie him up, then pop bubble wrap in front of him and make him watch.
@TraylorParker: My Sister is naming her baby Nevaeh because it's Heaven spelled backwards. I said, just name her what she's going to end up being. Tulsa.
@juskewitch: The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I've ever heard are things I've said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
@Jenny4ashley: "..so that's the story of Christmas. Questions?" Where do turtledoves come from? "Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other.."