@juliussharpe: That last phone call with my wife was so boring, I feel like I owe the NSA an apology.
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@E_lok44: Pro tip: If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you "shhh" someone.
@WoodyLuvsCoffee: Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
@Brianhopecomedy: My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.
@funnyordie: When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?