that lip filler tho
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[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
a woman in front of me in line for the olivia rodrigo concert turned and asked me, “is it bad i came alone?” i told her that i was alone too and she immediately clarified: “i’m actually meeting my husband and my daughter who are here already. but wowwww, good on you!”
You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.
Me: maybe we should let it live
Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?
Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale
Ahab: …ha
Me: haha
Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez
Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot
Ahab: oh like immediately
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
[first date]
I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.
*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*
-Yeah, totally.
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.
Therapist: Talk about your friends.
Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…
T: That’s a Billy Joel song.
Me: You’re no fun.
Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.
[Darth Vader sitting down]
DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!
Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord
DV: You thought?
*begins force choking*
You have kale’d me for the last time
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.
PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood
It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.
[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him
I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
Me: beware the clyde of march
Clyde: I’m standing right here
Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom