I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
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never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.
Me: Are you done cleaning?
7-year-old: No.
Me: So what should you be doing?
7: Hiding.
She cleans like me.
Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
Gorilla vs. cold water 😂
LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at
Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…
Yep, now he’s looking
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
3yo: dad I’m swimming!
Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!
3yo: I keep drinking the water!
Me: I know don’t drink the water!
3yo: I just drank more of the water!
Me: please stop drinking the water!
3yo: my belly hurts!
I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.
I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.
Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.
American:
Brit:
American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT
“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad