“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
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“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?
ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
Me, about to be kicked out of a convention for the American Society of Egyptologists
“As we all know, the pyramids were built by the Pharaoh convincing two people to begin work, and those two people in turn convincing two people each. Then those four people each convinced
[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]
reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.
superman: yes, yes I did.
reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?
superman:
reporter:
The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-
*puts TV remote to my ear*
Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.
If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
Meanwhile, at the bar:
Batman: “Whisky.”
Aquaman: “Appletini.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”
*at the end of a 3 day weekend*
Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time
The universe: here is a snow delay
Me: no, not like that
“The truth has finally been revealed” around the world:
5. The cat is out of the bag (English)
4. The bunny is out of the hat (Czech)
3. The pigeon falls out of your mouth (Romanian)
2. The turtle’s feet have appeared (Taiwanese)
1. Now the monkey comes out of the sleeve (Dutch)
The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.
We’re not going to try to do anything about it.
And that’s how small problems become large problems.
Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
[getting arrested for public nudity]
Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD
Me: …
Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
[first day as a drug dealer]
Buyer: got any Morphine?
Me: I’m gonna be honest with you [searching through fannypack] I don’t know what Feen is.