“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
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Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.
Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife
GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying
Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning
Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting
[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours
Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!
Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.
Never have I been at my parents’ house & needed something & they not have it. Insect bite cream? Got it. Obscure herb for a dinner recipe? Got it. Mixer for a drink I haven’t had in 20 years? Got it. Defibrillator? Got it. Crystal Pepsi? Got it. Wooly mammoth skeleton? Got it.
I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.
I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”
I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.
~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
[ Police interrogation room ]
Perp: I ain’t telling you shit.
Bad cop: We have ways to make a smooth criminal talk.
Thriller cop: You look like a pretty young thing.
Perp: I moisturize. Still ain’t telling you shit.
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what