“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”
– Kids
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I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.
If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day
[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Awwme*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*
Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]
Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”
Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?
If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.
I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember
The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how