“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”
– Kids
You Might Also Like
barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
[firing squad]
Any last requests?“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”
Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE
*gunshots*
Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
[Flat-earth expedition log]
Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That’s the third one so far.
I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me
Cop: license and registration.
Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.
Cop: where is it?
Me: I have absolutely no idea.
Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.
My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time
Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”
Sir are you a shark in disguise?
*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*