That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
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Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?
How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.
Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.
[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]
ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor
CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this
Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.
new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that
I’m sick and tired of being the only person who cooks, cleans, and pays all the damn bills in this house.
I live alone, but still.
The pointless tidy up before a play date.
I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!
Couldn’t find regular eggs so i just bought 3 dozen Cadbury caramel eggs because where there’s a will there’s a way
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed