@heymonroe: That moment of panic when you accidentally swipe left on Bae while getting food off your phone.
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@EmergencyQB: How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
@ArtIsMyPorn: When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone's skin you brought from home.
@Reverend_Scott: [Russian class] Um, why did I fail this test? Teacher: You just wrote in English and added "ski" to the end of the words... I knowski.