I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
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A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
Can me and you go out sometime?
“No, your grammar is too poor”
Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
[about to go in for emergency surgery]
ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?
[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?
I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.
“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama
Rewatched Nightmare on Elm Street and was reminded that when I was 8 I was so terrified of Freddy, Jason and Chucky that at night I would pray to them (not God) that if they spared me I’d become their Renfield and offered up my mean bus driver in exchange. We all did this, right?
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.
ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.