Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
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Home is where the Wi-Fi is.
Having sword fights with the tubes from wrapping paper was so much fun as a child. It was one of the few times my brother and I fought without getting into trouble.
When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.
Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.
Things that don’t exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
[prison hospital]
PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?
CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of
PRIEST: …
CHARLES MANSON: …
PRIEST: Do you want a hint?
Getting ready for school this morning:
Me: “Ok buddy, if you get hot at school, what are you going to do?”
5yo (thinking): “Oh I know! UNBUTTON MY PANTS!”
Me: “……..no.”
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
#math
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
Wife: I had a terrible night’s sleep. Tossed and turned. Couldn’t get comfortable. It’s only 6 AM and I’m in such a horrible mood already. How did you sleep?
Me [who slept 8 straight hours and didn’t get up once to pee]: Same.
Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”