To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
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If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
Me: How do I beat the bully?
Dad: Just punch him
Me: I am not doing that
Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him
Me: So like an uppercut?
[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.
I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02”.
That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.
[trust fall exercise at work]
CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!
M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.
I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy
Me: how are you feeling about all of this?
Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.
Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you’re a goner.
[God creating burps]
Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?
Angel: yes sir
O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!
I am a(n):
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 unknowable entity in the deep wood
seeking:⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a morally grey companion to defend me from the wizard who has been hunting me for centuries
I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
[Star Trek: The Next Generation)
Picard: Why are they firing at us?
Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
[walking dog in park]
girl: “awww, he’s cute.. whats his name?”
dog: “keith”
[me and the dog high five]
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?My kid: I’m not sure
Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?
My kid: I need more time to think
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.