11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”
Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.
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Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
If you see a dog locked in a car on a hot day, it’s legal to teach it how to hotwire the vehicle and drive off in search of a better life.
#SometimesForFun I update signs at work
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter
[Haunted house]
Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}
Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
A flock of dads is called a grill.
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!
me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning
my niece: maybe a cat
At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
♫ she’s just a small time girl
workin at Jurassic Woooorld
opened a raptor cage
now they’re everywhere ♫
the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??
The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
*Shovel
*Lye
*GlovesCashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp
All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.