That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
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I hate when people say, “Don’t worry about the things you can’t control.”
UMMMMM……HELLO!!
That’s exactly what I’m worried about!!
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock
Friend: I’m so tired of remakes and reboots and sequels! Make something original!
Me: Don’t you write Transformers fan fiction?
Friend: It’s GoBots fan fiction, and shut up.
Home #decor warning.
We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
Car Salesman: This baby gets 26mpg and check out this nice interior!
Me: *placing several hot dogs in the cup holder* It’s not bad
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
When the aliens decide to show up from whatever other dimension they are really from, can they please return all my lost socks and bobby pins, thaanks.
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.
There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground
DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.
me: i feel terrible
my doctor who is also a cat: have you been sprinting around the house at 2am and yelling for no reason?
me: uh, not really
my doctor who is also a cat: [scribbling in my chart] hmm yeah that’s not good
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.