[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme
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the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
Signs you’re a man:
*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.
*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
[Super Villain Team Tryouts]
COACH: Tell me what you can do
MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal
LOKI: I’m a god
THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!
[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
I only treason on days ending in y
In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online
[invention of blue cheese]
“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”
“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”
“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad
My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
Seven Worst Crimes:
7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*
I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.