@_ISpeakTrue: That moment when you make out with the air trying to find the straw in your glass
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@ch000ch: my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it's cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
@hrtbps: The Grammar Nazis burst in. "We know you're harbouring Jews, Mrs Gies" "There ain't no Jews here!" "Double negative! Search the attic, boys"
@QwertyJones3: "Honey, it's not that I don't like your cooking, it's just that the smoke's about to asphyxiat our family." "WHAT'D YOU SAY ABOUT MY ASS??"
@Underchilde: My wife told me to strive for perfection, so I divorced her and started dating a swimsuit model.