That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
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Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
A Match(.com), but for socks.
I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.
When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.
Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
I’m not average. I’m mean.
Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.
Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones
Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out “DEAR GOD MY BACK!”
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no
My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt