That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
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God: *creates sunset*
Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?
God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
[coming back into house from grocery store]
Me: thanks for coming with me!
7: I didn’t really have a choice.
Me: but it was nice, right?
5: we can’t stay home alone.
My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall
King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
Ryan Reynolds Said What?!
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.
Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!
Me: Yeah that was me
Gmail: No it was on another device!
Me: Yes my tablet
Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!
Me: what no
Gmail: CALL THE POLICE
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir
Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes
Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders
me: why does it have to be family get-togethers
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*
May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.
Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Wife: Yes.
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.
I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.
Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
Can me and you go out sometime?
“No, your grammar is too poor”
Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?