That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?
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Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad
*enters username*
“USERNAME NOT RECOGNISED”
*creates new account*
*enters username*
“USERNAME ALREADY IN USE”
*sets fire to self*
Me: Doc, I hurt my back.
Dr: What happened?
Me: Well, I was rolling over in bed…
Dr: AT YOUR AGE??!???
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
[cat and dog meet for negotiations]
Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.
Cat: *smiles*
Dog: Oh no.
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass
[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR
Amazon Review: Ghost costume
⭐☆☆☆☆
Do Not RecommendPoorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.
Brother?
Cop: Freeze!
Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden’s bottomless pasta bowl*
Rookie: We gotta go after him!
Cop: No. He’s gone.
Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.
Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.