I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help
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At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh
Traveler’s camo
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
I WON A HAM TODAY
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.
“MEANWHILE IN MONTANA: A handful of cows found their way into a newly built home and lived in it for a month before being noticed.
The family was moving from Washington. The Aunt was supposed to be checking on the place, but she didn’t. A rancher had filed a report about missing
just got my engagement photos
I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat
Do not go gentle into that good night,
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?
Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?
Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?
Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me “William, HELLO!”
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.
Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on