That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
You Might Also Like
Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.
Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
OKAY DAD
Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May
Me *buying alcohol*
Him: I need identification
Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey
Him: I meant you
Me: I’m Jon
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.
[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
My 4yo told me to hold her baby as she walked away with her dad. My 4yo left me in a restaurant alone with a fake baby in my arms. I should’ve put the the baby down, but I didn’t. I just held it like a real baby. Why? Idk why. Parenthood is wild.
I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.
“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”
What are instructions?
“Correct.”
A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
when steven spielberg was my age he was directing Jaws. meanwhile i am posting stuff like “drunk yoda be like ‘good to drive i am, give me the keys you will'”
♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
[Gender reveal party]
Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?
Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.
Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no