Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
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I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?
Great grandma: No.
JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty][Jesus and God hi-5]
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.
Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
Worth the read.
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope
[every morning]
Me: Want to go outside?
Dog:
Me: Outside?
Dog:
Me: Go outside?
Dog:
Me: Let’s go outside!
Dog:
Me: Fine.
Dog:
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.
Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]
My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.
Parenting explained
Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at momThem: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad
TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?
Priest: yes
Me: and he rose from the grave
Priest: yes…
Me: because of the yeast?
Priest: no
Me: okay, none of this makes sense