That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
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AMAZON, 1998: hello we sell books but online
AMAZON, 2023: please return to your Primehouse for your nightly Primemeal, valued Primecitizen
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?
Me: one’s for you
Him: and the other one?
Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision
ME: I have to jet to the office real quick after breakfast, so—
FAMILY: We have a JET?!
ME: I meant—
FAMILY: Can we ride in the jet?
ME:
FAMILY: Is the jet invisible?
ME: Yes, that is definitely the case
Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”
Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!
Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money
God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago
Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha
God *creates salt*
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.
There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
My Guy
Grandpa: Look at you, shivering and hiding under the covers like a four year old. It was just a ghost story, no different than the ones I always told.
Me: BUT YOU’VE BEEN DEAD FOR 41 YEARS!
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.
[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero
My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever