That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
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Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.
Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
this is what they would have looked like, though
*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
– “It Wasn’t Me” plays on radio
10: why were they naked banging on the bathroom floor?
Me:
10:
Me: a robber came, took all their clothes then locked them in the bathroom and they were trying to alert people to their situation
10: weird
Me: so weird
10:
Me:
10: cool
Me: cool
I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.
I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.
In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest
My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.
Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.