That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself
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Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone
The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,
Smiling
You know what’s coming next..
It’s your turn to do the laundry
Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
[Controversial and unpopular statement]
[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]
ME: *sigh*
HER: still mad at Totino’s?
M: yeah
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made terrible sandwiches.
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
Officer: Did u know your back light is out
Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim