@Donnie_Fairburn: That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn't as funny when you do it by yourself
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@mynameisntdave: POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the "shapeshifter" look like? [the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture] ME: ...I dont remember
@senorwinces: Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
@GoodZiIIa: [after getting pulled over] cop: are you registered me: i don't vote cop: i meant the car me: no it doesn't vote either
@therealeatwood: ARTEMIS: No man shall boast he has seen Artemis bathe! *turns Actæon into a stag* [Artemis nudes go viral, 2.2M viewers turn into stags]