That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself
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I bought a middle-aged Barbie. She was supposed to come with glasses, but she set them down somewhere and hasn’t seen them since.
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
[1st date]
WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?
HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*
DRACULA: *just glares at her*
I think being an anxiety/antisocial person would save me in most horror movie scenarios.
I don’t answer my phone or my door, I’m rarely out after 7 pm, and if I hear a weird noise, I ignore it as its none of my business.
But…I do like antiques, haunted trinkets would get me.
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m
If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.
“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road
Last night I was walking Bizzy, and a friendly stranger asked how old she was. When I told him, he said: “She don’t walk like she’s 15 though!!!” I…I think he catcalled my dog?
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?
I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”
And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information
Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.