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[Airport security]
Guard: Your flight leaves in 5 minutes
Centipede: No problem. I’ll just run. I have 100 legs.
Guard: Remove your shoes
Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house
Her: great, you can teach him to drive
Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*
LOOOOOOL
After days stranded at sea on the edge of starvation, my 4yo is rescued & given bread:
“This has seeds on it,” she scoffs, pushing it away.
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.
Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?
I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
Dammit Chief not again
Happy thanksgiving!
I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…
“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
Rt to bother an English speaker
Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
They’re the worst 😩
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.