Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
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Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.
“You don’t trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.”
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much
*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?
HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”
*I describe my lost cat to the cops*
Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*
Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*
I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.
writers really said: what if homework… was a career.
I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it
[high]
ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing
FRIEND: wait, u mean-
ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
I’ll be mad as hell!
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
I’m too Shreksy for my shirt
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.