That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
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Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.
Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
This guy got on the bus and just stared at me and Lulabelle on my lap for a solid 30 seconds then goes “are you allowed to have dogs on the bus” and I just shrugged thinking he was gonna give me shit or something but then he pulls out a chihuahua out of nowhere
( 12pm. )
Friends: Want to go grab some lunch?
Me: Nah, I’m on a diet.
( 12am )
Me:
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.
Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?
Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!
MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course
Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.
6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.