That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
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My spirit animal is fried chicken
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for any—(bag of chips that is within reach while you binge watch that show on Netflix, even though you said you weren’t hungry and are still full from that beer, burger and potato salad you had earlier)—thing.
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.
I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
what it’s like dating me:
a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
[1st date]
*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*
Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?
“Sir, do you mean matinee?”
Dammit
Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.
I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.
It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
Employees must applaud the planets.
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.