That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
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My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.
I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!
[at ultrasound]
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it’s a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Wife:
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?
Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*
Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?
ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
INTERVIEWER: What?
ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.
Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.
A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.
Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.