That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
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I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.
dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!
me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?
dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home
me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: teaching the dog poker
Wife: where are your pants
Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago
today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes
Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.
How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
My child: Picks cookie with the most icing
Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off
I have a pun about carpentry.
but Im not sure if it woodwork…
I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
(first day at law school)
Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?
Prof: We don’t.
Me: This is BULLSHIT.
*flips table*
*table floats up to ceiling*