Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
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When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks
Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem
“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles
*watching The Revenant*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.
A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her
Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”
Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
On my last flight I watched a woman in front of me pull out her hair and eat it until I fell asleep. Can’t do that in first class.