If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it
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Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.
A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.
men’s occupations according to their shower products: hunter, lumberjack, mechanic, lumberjack again
women’s occupations according to shower products: goddess, mermaid, moon spirit, butterfly,
My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor
If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything
Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?
Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget
The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?