When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.
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I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
i like to walk around my neighborhood leaving helpful notes in ppls mailboxes, such as, “doric columns don’t belong on a mid-century modern. what is u doing?” or “ur home has a mix of window styles that makes me wonder about the aesthetic you were going for. what is u doing?” or
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
*Condom Co*
[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]
“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”
ME: Ribbit
“Genius”
Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine
They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
[about to be murdered]
ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*
MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.
*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
Shower sex be like:
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
[Super Villain Team Tryouts]
COACH: Tell me what you can do
MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal
LOKI: I’m a god
THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!
Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas
Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no
Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?
Pilot: we’re gonna crash
Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count
Her: yeah?
Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
just wait til i figure out what algorithm means
Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.
Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.