That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls
You Might Also Like
DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer
I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.
After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…Now what do I do?
Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice
yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.
To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou
*I’ve already changed his pants*
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away
A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.
Me: Now remember, just let me do all the talking.
Wife:
Marriage counselor:
Me: I think we’ve made a lot of progress here today.
Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive
recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam