That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls
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god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?
Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?
Touché kid
Clark Kent “I have a confession”
Lois Lane “what is it?”
*Clark removes his glasses*
Lois “Is it a bird?”
Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”
I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.
Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?
Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.
Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??
[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
Her: Can I sit down & join you?
Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.
Her: Oh, no you’re not!
Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…
they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
emergency phone
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…
DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work
I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes