“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
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Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.
And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
[at hotel]
Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer
[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]
Me: Yep, nailed her
The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager
I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
Forever 21… pounds overweight
[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
I should invent a fake kid to give myself more things to tweet about. Oh, you’ll never guess what Jayden did today! He sneaked out of preschool, stole a school bus, and drove to Atlantic City. Lost almost two grand on a craps game. He is such a little handful!
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
My organic chemistry class was at 7am and the teacher stressed how important it was for us to get enough sleep… so I slept in class.