That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*
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A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.
As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.
pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.
back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive
Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
My blood type is coffee.
thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones
You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!
Cop –
So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you
can’t wait til they legalize outside
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.
Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard
Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.